Broke down mama

Tomorrow it will be seven months since I received my master's degree. It was a great accomplishment blah, blah, blah. Truth be told, it was a strategic move given that I didn't figure I could support myself and the kiddos with a B.A. in Women's Studies and 10 years experience in the mama trenches. So I bit the student loan bullet and applied to grad school - singular. Just one program, at one school. On that dark day when my acceptance letter arrived, I breathed a sigh of relief - I could put off the job search for two more years. I chose a 'professional' program, as opposed to an academic one, or so they said. I hypothesized that this professional credential would allow me to legitimately work for progressive social change. That I would know the secrets and be able to navigate the hallowed halls of power and affect. social. change.(!) Best laid plans, and all that jazz.

Here's the thing, I do have the credential (and so do approximately 200 young idealists a year in our fair cities), I do know the secrets (and they're really not all that secret), and I do know my way around the capitol (and the historical society gives tours every hour on the hour), but I don't have a job. My friends do.

I know lotsa folks who went to D.C. Not for me; I'm the PTA president, darnit - the known universe would collapse if the monthly newsletter and Bingo night ceased to exist! All politics is local and personal, right(?) and D.C. is neither my locality nor my personality.

I know folks whose careers progressed in an orderly fashion in about April of their second year of grad school; either they were offered full time employment at the part-time gig they kept through school, they were offered a great position, or they took something as a stepping-stone - a fellowship, legislative staff job or passionless work for a large nonprofit/government entity. I. just. can't. seem. to. do. it. I get all Erin Brockovich about it, "it's my time away from my kids!" I've tried to take a steppingstone, really I have. Nobody will hire me. I can't lie well enough, which shocks me as I've always fancied myself a liarliarpantsonfire kinda gal. I can't feign interest and passion in "The 2006 Nonprofits Salary and Benefits Survey!" or "Researching Capacity-Building Strategies for our Grantees!" or "Managing Day-to-Day Aspects of our Grantwriting Process!"

Then there's the lucky few friends, who seem to have a depth of insight into their own psyches that I don't - the ones who found the Dream Job©. Now that's just mean, 'cause knowing they're out there makes me feel all the more like a failure. And. There's a new class coming to town - last week I learned of a woman who entered The Program the year after me, who is now the political director for a local pro-choice org. I'm bloody thrilled for her, and she's perfect for the job, and it's not as though I wanted the position, but it's cosmically unfair that new grads get jobs before old grads. Whine, whine, simper, sniff...

OK, back to why I'm writing. I'm broke; po', in fact, as I've never been po' befo'. I have exactly $85 left on my mastercard, nothin' in the checking accounts, and dust in my wallet. Seven months of unemployment will do that to a girl. So I decide to be proactive:

Step 1: Look for a service industry job. Did y'all know that they do stuff like ask you how long you plan to work there nowadays? (See lying discussion above.)

Step 2: Get on the dole. Did y'all know that roughly $1000 per month in child support and two kids is enough to put you right out of the running for 2006 Welfare Queen? I seem to have too darn much money, says the woman at the county with a FOUR CARAT diamond on her hand (and I'm not exaggerating). sidebar: which is just plain insensitive, if you ask me...I don't begrudge her a beautiful wedding ring, but damn! Really, on the front lines of the social services office? I read a great article in school about "street-level bureaucrats" and how policy is communicated to the public through the folks in government we see daily. What does this lady's jewlery communicate about the "haves" to the "have-nots"? Especially as she tells me that my little child support check which is less than my rent is too much money for government support...but I digress.

Step 3: Look for other community services. Did y'all know you've gotta be turned down by the county before you can access many charity services? OR, you've gotta have a referral. But. I did enter into Budget Counseling at Best Local Nonprofit For Self-Sufficiency Support. Wanna know what they told me? (C'mon, you've read this much...wait for the punch line...wait for it...) From Paul on my Action Plan (and I quote):

Look over budget for accuracy. It appears your budget is short over $2300/month for living expenses and payments to creditors. Your (sic) short about $1700/month just for living expenses.

You must find a way to balance your budget at least for living expenses. You listed child support as your only income. Is it possible to find a job to bring in extra income?

...

It appears your rent payment is more than your current income. Is it possible to find a cheaper place to live?

...

Gee, Paul (AKA Captain Obvious), Thanx! (Insert sparkly, puffy heart here) You've been ever so helpful.

Gawd, I didn't expect him to work miracles, but jeez. I'll take each point in turn:

Yup, it's accurate, and your typo makes me want to spit.

Get a job? Wow! The thought never occurred to me. Nope, evidently it's not possible.

Yup, appearances are not deceptive. It likely is possible, although buying myself out of my lease and incurring moving expenses are likely not real budget-savvy moves, either. Oh, and my credit's a little shaky now as I'm delinquent on a coupla accounts, but you already knew that 'cause I told you. Paul. Bite me where?

Step 4: Drink, Smoke, Exercise, Whine, Commiserate, Sleep, Write, Procrastinate, Keep Trying, Shower, Read, Eat, Sass Paul... I don't know which I'll do, but off I go.

P.S. To add insult to injury, I just filled out my update form for Career Services at The Program...evidently they think I should have a job by now, too.